As a parent of a 7 year old daughter and an 8 month old son, I'm learning first-hand how hard it is to watch them grow up. As for my daughter, in many ways, she is still the sweet little girl that I brought home from the hospital. When I look at her, I see the face of that precious little angel with the cherub face and tiny little body that I held so lovingly in her first weeks on Earth. Even today, I still have to make sure that she washes her hair completely, I still have to remind her to clean up her toys, and I'm still hovering over her while she brushes her teeth to make sure that she doesn't miss anything. She is still my little girl who needs her mom. However, when she looks in the mirror, she sees a "big girl". A big girl who can do things for herself, who likes to make her own decisions, and--much to my dismay--doesn't need her mom to hover over her all the time.
Almost hourly, I am reminded of this fact. When I try to brush her hair, I get, "Mooooommmmm! I can do it!" If I even THINK of picking out her clothes, one would think that the world was coming to an end! Just today, while waiting for the bus, I mentioned that tomorrow is school picture day and we needed to figure out what she was going to wear. She rolled her eyes and sighed, saying, "Mom. Don't worry! I've already got it under control!" She then proceeded to tell me exactly what she was going to wear and I have to admit, she has a good plan.
I know that this is all supposed to happen. I know that the development experts tell me that kids struggle for their independence and as they get older, they want to do more things for themselves. Classic jokes about teenagers always revolve around the irony that presents itself when they complain about how stupid their parents are, all while doing stupid things themselves. Kids grow up and don't need their parents any more. I get it! I really do. The problem is how does a parent change the way they see their child? How do you get that vision of the little helpless infant out of your head long enough to realize that they really are capable, independent beings?
I guess the answer to that is that the child itself shows you, with every eye roll or exasperated sigh, that he or she has it under control. From the time that the infant begins to try to wriggle out of your arms to explore the world to the time that they graduate and move out of the house, they chip away slowly at the perception of them as a baby and, much like a butterfly coming out of a chrysalis, they show you with extraordinary clarity that they can truly fly on their own.
I can admit that my little girl is really a big girl and that its time for me to back off and let her try out her wings. I'm prepared to allow her to flutter and perhaps to flop a few times before she soars. I just hope that when she does start to fall, she realizes that her mom is here to catch her, patch up her wings, and send her off again. In the meantime, I will relish the moments that she allows me to see the little girl that she used to be. The nights when she wants a story read to her or I hear her ask me to sing her a lullaby. The afternoons that she crawls up to me on the couch and says that she wants to "snugglebuggle" while watching cartoons. Those are the moments when I can close my eyes and pretend that she is still little and still needs her momma. In my mind, I will always have my "baby girl"! I just hope that my little boy doesn't grow up quite as fast!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
First Day of School...Darn it, I missed the bus!
The first day of school has always been a very exciting time for me and I don't think I ever slept much the night before that day. I've always loved the chance to begin again each Fall with the hopes and promises that "this will be a great year and this time I'll do _______ differently." Of course, as a kid, I always knew that this would be the year that I would do all of my homework, finish all of my classwork, and would get straight A's and be the best student EVER! Again, every year, I'd slack off and fall short of my goal.
Laziness would set in and I would stop doing my work and then feel bad at school when the teacher asked for an assignment and I didn't have it. My grades would slide until I had to bring a report card home with C's and D's that inevitably said "Does not work to potential", with a "Talks too much in class" and "Doesn't use time wisely" thrown in for good measure. I'd get the lecture from Mom about being disappointed and that I had to do better. Eventually, I'd do just enough work to eek out a B and pass to the next class. In my senior year, I only needed one English credit to graduate and I was taking 2 English classes, plus a bunch of electives. 4 1/2 weeks until graduation and I was failing BOTH English classes because of missing assignments. I buckled down, studied hard, wrote 3 essays in a 45 minute study period block and got the highest grade in the class on the final exam, raising my grade from an F to a B and I walked across that stage with my Honor's tassel and got my diploma! Phew!
As a teacher, I always see the new school year as a new beginning. After tossing and turning the night before, I'd walk into my classroom, all shiny and clean, with papers and name tags on the desks and I'd smile, take a deep breath, and wait for the little faces that would walk through the door. The first day is always good with the kids all dressed up and on their best behavior. We go through all the rules and procedures and then get down to business. I LOVE this day!
Unfortunately, this year is bitter-sweet because I am missing it. I am happy because I got to experience it with my daughter. I got her up and dressed for the first day of second grade in her favorite pink dress and her brand new backpack with her name embroidered on it along with her favorite animal, a butterfly. I walked her to the bus stop and enjoyed the goodbye hug and kiss and watched her happily bounce onto the bus to sit among the smiling, happy faces that were looking at me from the windows. It was a great sight to see. However, I am a teacher with no classroom this year. No place to put my dry erase markers or hang my motivational posters. Nowhere to sharpen my pencil, grade my papers, or plan my lessons. I missed the bus and school started without me. How did this happen? It's all about money. Increased budget cuts and a plethora of applicants made it hard to find a job and I am not alone. Many of us who have experience (i.e. more expensive) have been left behind in lieu of straight-out-of-college newbies. We are sitting here, hoping that with higher attendance rates, schools will add positions and that we will be selected for the handful of remaining jobs that will be available. Hoping beyond hope that we can at least get a tardy pass and not have to miss out altogether. Until then, I will substitute teach and fill in the gaps for when the teacher can't be there and hope that next year will be better.
Regardless of my plight and my need to wallow in self-pity for a while, I wish all of my fellow teachers out there (both with and without classrooms) a happy First Day of School and I pray that all of your hopes and dreams for this year will come true!
Laziness would set in and I would stop doing my work and then feel bad at school when the teacher asked for an assignment and I didn't have it. My grades would slide until I had to bring a report card home with C's and D's that inevitably said "Does not work to potential", with a "Talks too much in class" and "Doesn't use time wisely" thrown in for good measure. I'd get the lecture from Mom about being disappointed and that I had to do better. Eventually, I'd do just enough work to eek out a B and pass to the next class. In my senior year, I only needed one English credit to graduate and I was taking 2 English classes, plus a bunch of electives. 4 1/2 weeks until graduation and I was failing BOTH English classes because of missing assignments. I buckled down, studied hard, wrote 3 essays in a 45 minute study period block and got the highest grade in the class on the final exam, raising my grade from an F to a B and I walked across that stage with my Honor's tassel and got my diploma! Phew!
As a teacher, I always see the new school year as a new beginning. After tossing and turning the night before, I'd walk into my classroom, all shiny and clean, with papers and name tags on the desks and I'd smile, take a deep breath, and wait for the little faces that would walk through the door. The first day is always good with the kids all dressed up and on their best behavior. We go through all the rules and procedures and then get down to business. I LOVE this day!
Unfortunately, this year is bitter-sweet because I am missing it. I am happy because I got to experience it with my daughter. I got her up and dressed for the first day of second grade in her favorite pink dress and her brand new backpack with her name embroidered on it along with her favorite animal, a butterfly. I walked her to the bus stop and enjoyed the goodbye hug and kiss and watched her happily bounce onto the bus to sit among the smiling, happy faces that were looking at me from the windows. It was a great sight to see. However, I am a teacher with no classroom this year. No place to put my dry erase markers or hang my motivational posters. Nowhere to sharpen my pencil, grade my papers, or plan my lessons. I missed the bus and school started without me. How did this happen? It's all about money. Increased budget cuts and a plethora of applicants made it hard to find a job and I am not alone. Many of us who have experience (i.e. more expensive) have been left behind in lieu of straight-out-of-college newbies. We are sitting here, hoping that with higher attendance rates, schools will add positions and that we will be selected for the handful of remaining jobs that will be available. Hoping beyond hope that we can at least get a tardy pass and not have to miss out altogether. Until then, I will substitute teach and fill in the gaps for when the teacher can't be there and hope that next year will be better.
Regardless of my plight and my need to wallow in self-pity for a while, I wish all of my fellow teachers out there (both with and without classrooms) a happy First Day of School and I pray that all of your hopes and dreams for this year will come true!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Life's Struggles
Life has a way of surprising you, disappointing you, confusing you, and sometimes delighting you. Time passes by in a blink of an eye during all of the great times, but inches by ever so slowly during the hard times. Right now, I am simultaneously in a great part and a hard part and time doesn't know what to do!
First and foremost, I am a mother and a wife. I have a 7 year old daughter named Ally and an almost 7 month old son named Aidan. I have been married to Erik for 10 years. Our story is an interesting one (at least to me, if no one else). When I was in college, a friend of mine was chatting with someone on the Internet and was considering meeting him in person. This is when the whole online dating scene was in its infancy and there was no such thing as match.com. There were almost daily newspaper articles of some poor girl who was dragged off to her untimely demise because she met some creepy old man on the internet pretending to be her Prince Charming. We were concerned for her and started talking to the guy ourselves and to his friends. One friend in particular stood out and I began talking to him on a regular basis. My friend ended up meeting her guy in person, but alas, love was illusive. She did, however, meet the guy I had been talking to and was convinced we were perfect for each other. The rest of that school year was spent trying to plan meetings that never panned out and talking to each other over the phone and internet. Then I graduated and we all lost touch. Fast forward three years and I was chatting again and ran across his name. We chatted, met in person, and have been together ever since. He is my love and my best friend. We've had our ups and downs, as all people do, but its been an enjoyable ride overall and I am looking forward to many more years together.
We knew from the beginning that we wanted to have children, but we had trouble. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which keeps you from ovulating and endometriosis which causes scar tissue that prevents implantation. We went through 2 years of fertility treatments and was blessed with Ally. Fast forward almost 7 years and we were surprised with Aidan. No treatments, no trying, nothing. Just a faint blue line on a pregnancy test!
Ally is a wonderful, smart, strong-willed, energetic, and feisty child who is part tomboy and part girlie girl. She is a child who will play tea party with her princess dolls while wearing a tiara, ball gown costume and make up and then the next day, she is building the Starship Enterprise while wearing a darth vadar or stormstrooper costume. She will begin 2nd grade soon and she makes our life fun and exciting!
Aidan is laid back, friendly, and cuddly. He smiles and laughs all the time and is a very easy-going baby. Nothing really bothers him too much and he is content to play with his toys and his feet. He really only cries when he's hungry, sick, or tired and most of the time its more of a whine than a true cry. One thing is for sure. He ADORES his big sister and she adores him too. His eyes just dance when he sees her and she can get him to laugh, coo, and "talk" more than anyone. It is heartwarming to see the two of them together. She is so good with him too and will make a great Mommy one day!
Professionally, I am a teacher. Well, was a teacher, and hope to be a teacher again soon. I am currently unemployed. I was pink slipped last year and have yet to find a job for this school year with only 18 days left until school starts. I'm feeling very discouraged, but pray to God daily to show me where he wants me to spend my time next year. Until you are tenured, there is no such thing as job security and I'm a year away from being tenured.
My husband is a computer guru and most of the things he does go WAY above my head. Basically, he does digital phone service for companies (VOIP--Voice over IP).
Aside from my job search, the main part of my life right now that is on a downturn is my father. Last year, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Renal Cell Carcinoma--kidney cancer. He had a mass in his kidney removed and 1/3 of his kidney along with it and it had spread to his lungs where several small masses were removed. He is currently on medication to try to stop the growth and so far, it has shrunk some of the spots and kept others from growing. We have asked the doctors not to give us a timeline because we want to focus on each day and not some date circled on a calendar somewhere. We are all aware of the prognosis looming in the distance, but choose not to focus on that. He is not yet dying of cancer. His is fighting it with all he's got and we will all continue to fight right along with him. We will continue to fight until Dad or God tells us otherwise. There is not a day that goes by that I do not pray that God heals his body and gives us the miracle we need.
As for why I'm writing a blog, I'm not really sure why, but I hope that it will be entertaining, or at least cathartic for me. My plans are to provide a view into the life of a teacher, mom, and wife through observations and ponderings. Now, all you have to do, is sit back and enjoy the ride.
First and foremost, I am a mother and a wife. I have a 7 year old daughter named Ally and an almost 7 month old son named Aidan. I have been married to Erik for 10 years. Our story is an interesting one (at least to me, if no one else). When I was in college, a friend of mine was chatting with someone on the Internet and was considering meeting him in person. This is when the whole online dating scene was in its infancy and there was no such thing as match.com. There were almost daily newspaper articles of some poor girl who was dragged off to her untimely demise because she met some creepy old man on the internet pretending to be her Prince Charming. We were concerned for her and started talking to the guy ourselves and to his friends. One friend in particular stood out and I began talking to him on a regular basis. My friend ended up meeting her guy in person, but alas, love was illusive. She did, however, meet the guy I had been talking to and was convinced we were perfect for each other. The rest of that school year was spent trying to plan meetings that never panned out and talking to each other over the phone and internet. Then I graduated and we all lost touch. Fast forward three years and I was chatting again and ran across his name. We chatted, met in person, and have been together ever since. He is my love and my best friend. We've had our ups and downs, as all people do, but its been an enjoyable ride overall and I am looking forward to many more years together.
We knew from the beginning that we wanted to have children, but we had trouble. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which keeps you from ovulating and endometriosis which causes scar tissue that prevents implantation. We went through 2 years of fertility treatments and was blessed with Ally. Fast forward almost 7 years and we were surprised with Aidan. No treatments, no trying, nothing. Just a faint blue line on a pregnancy test!
Ally is a wonderful, smart, strong-willed, energetic, and feisty child who is part tomboy and part girlie girl. She is a child who will play tea party with her princess dolls while wearing a tiara, ball gown costume and make up and then the next day, she is building the Starship Enterprise while wearing a darth vadar or stormstrooper costume. She will begin 2nd grade soon and she makes our life fun and exciting!
Aidan is laid back, friendly, and cuddly. He smiles and laughs all the time and is a very easy-going baby. Nothing really bothers him too much and he is content to play with his toys and his feet. He really only cries when he's hungry, sick, or tired and most of the time its more of a whine than a true cry. One thing is for sure. He ADORES his big sister and she adores him too. His eyes just dance when he sees her and she can get him to laugh, coo, and "talk" more than anyone. It is heartwarming to see the two of them together. She is so good with him too and will make a great Mommy one day!
Professionally, I am a teacher. Well, was a teacher, and hope to be a teacher again soon. I am currently unemployed. I was pink slipped last year and have yet to find a job for this school year with only 18 days left until school starts. I'm feeling very discouraged, but pray to God daily to show me where he wants me to spend my time next year. Until you are tenured, there is no such thing as job security and I'm a year away from being tenured.
My husband is a computer guru and most of the things he does go WAY above my head. Basically, he does digital phone service for companies (VOIP--Voice over IP).
Aside from my job search, the main part of my life right now that is on a downturn is my father. Last year, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Renal Cell Carcinoma--kidney cancer. He had a mass in his kidney removed and 1/3 of his kidney along with it and it had spread to his lungs where several small masses were removed. He is currently on medication to try to stop the growth and so far, it has shrunk some of the spots and kept others from growing. We have asked the doctors not to give us a timeline because we want to focus on each day and not some date circled on a calendar somewhere. We are all aware of the prognosis looming in the distance, but choose not to focus on that. He is not yet dying of cancer. His is fighting it with all he's got and we will all continue to fight right along with him. We will continue to fight until Dad or God tells us otherwise. There is not a day that goes by that I do not pray that God heals his body and gives us the miracle we need.
As for why I'm writing a blog, I'm not really sure why, but I hope that it will be entertaining, or at least cathartic for me. My plans are to provide a view into the life of a teacher, mom, and wife through observations and ponderings. Now, all you have to do, is sit back and enjoy the ride.
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